What Scripture Says About Forgiving Someone Who Keeps Hurting You

Jesus taught His disciples to forgive without limits. Scripture also calls believers to discernment, boundaries, and wisdom when harm keeps returning.

By Evelyn Berry // EEW Magazine Online

Forgiveness is always in order. But restoring a relationship requires repentance, rebuilt trust, and prayerful discernment.

We bring our jobs, finances, and ministry decisions before God, yet the relationships that shape our emotional and spiritual health can go years without the same prayerful attention. We assume that someone who has always been in our life belongs there, held in place by family history, loyalty, or shared faith. But the length of a relationship tells us little about whether it is healthy today.

When the Apostle Paul wrote to the believers in Rome, “If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men” (Romans 12:18 KJV), he placed a caveat at the beginning of the command: If it be possible.

Paul understood that peace between people depends on more than one heart. We can approach others with humility, extend grace, own our mistakes, and work toward reconciliation, yet the outcome rests partly on whether the other person responds in kind. Paul holds us responsible for what lies within our power while acknowledging where that power ends. No one can manufacture another person's repentance or sustain a healthy relationship alone.

Christians who have been taught that forgiveness means immediately restoring fellowship may struggle with this truth. Jesus commands us to forgive, and we want to make room for others to grow. But what happens when the person we keep forgiving continues to harm us, and every apology is followed by another betrayal? At what point should we prayerfully reconsider the relationship itself?

When Peter asked how often he should forgive a brother who sinned against him, he suggested seven times. Jesus answered, “I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven” (Matthew 18:22 KJV). Jesus was cultivating a forgiving heart in His disciples, one that refused to place limits on forgiveness. While that teaching is foundational to Christian living, Scripture also calls us to exercise wisdom in relationships where harm continues.

Forgiveness releases our claim to personal vengeance and helps us work through the resentment that follows an offense. Each time we forgive, we have an opportunity to extend the grace Christ has shown us.

Forgiveness is always in order.

Reconciliation, however, involves restoring a damaged relationship, which requires both people to participate through honesty, accountability, and the rebuilding of trust.

Robert Enright, a University of Wisconsin-Madison educational psychologist widely regarded as a pioneer in the scientific study of forgiveness, draws the same distinction. He explained on the American Psychological Association's Speaking of Psychology podcast that forgiving does not require reconciling. A person can forgive an offender who never apologizes. He also noted the value of genuine apologies while cautioning against those used as a means of gaining power. In a separate interview highlighted by his university, Enright put it plainly: “You can forgive while keeping your distance.”

Distance can be essential when harmful patterns reveal themselves over time. A boundary is crossed, and you explain how it hurt. An apology follows, things improve for a season, and then the behavior returns. After enough cycles, you begin anticipating the next offense and arranging your life around it.

You begin weighing every word, avoiding certain subjects, and finding yourself taking responsibility for someone else's anger or dishonesty. Eventually, these adjustments start to feel like ordinary relationship maintenance.

A study first published online in 2025 in the journal Violence Against Women sheds light on this cycle. University of Cambridge researchers Mags Lesiak and Loraine Gelsthorpe examined the experiences of 18 women. They had endured repeated domestic abuse while remaining emotionally attached to their abusers. The researchers identified patterns in which cruelty alternated with warmth and affection, reinforcing emotional attachment and control.

The women described confusion, self-blame, and difficulty breaking those attachments, with some comparing their experiences to addiction. The findings offer insight into how recurring cycles of abuse can make it difficult for someone to recognize the full extent of the harm and stay away from a dangerous relationship. In Christian settings, misapplied Scripture can deepen the problem. Longsuffering becomes the label for absorbing mistreatment. Reluctance to establish a boundary gets called mercy.

Some of us even regard enduring another round of manipulation as a test of spiritual maturity. Yet patience, a fruit of the Spirit, must be understood within the whole counsel of Scripture. The love described in 1 Corinthians 13 is patient and kind; it also “rejoiceth in the truth” (1 Corinthians 13:6 KJV).

Admitting that a relationship has become damaging can be painful, especially when the person involved is someone we deeply love.

Sometimes the truth is that a relationship has become damaging. Admitting this can be painful when the person involved is a parent, sibling, spouse, longtime friend, or fellow believer. Years of shared history, family obligations, and deep affection can make the prospect of creating distance especially difficult.

As difficult as it may be, Scripture gives believers room to exercise discernment. “Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man thou shalt not go: Lest thou learn his ways, and get a snare to thy soul” (Proverbs 22:24–25 KJV). In 2 Timothy 3, Paul describes people who are proud, fierce, and false accusers, and he concludes with a clear instruction to Timothy: “from such turn away” (2 Timothy 3:5 KJV).

Turn away.

These passages have specific contexts and offer no license to abandon a relationship whenever someone disappoints us. Everyone needs patience and grace as they grow. Even so, Scripture treats character as a legitimate consideration when deciding how close someone should come.

Jesus Himself exercised discernment in His relationships. Early in His ministry, many people in Jerusalem believed in Him after witnessing His miracles. Yet John records that Jesus “did not commit himself unto them, because he knew all men” (John 2:24 KJV). Our ultimate teacher and example saw past their profession of belief and chose not to entrust Himself to them. Though we cannot see into hearts as He did, we can ask God for wisdom to recognize what a person's conduct reveals.

Acting on that discernment takes immense courage, especially for those who have learned that saying no is unkind, or that protecting their well-being is selfish. It can become even harder when someone responds to a boundary by accusing you of unforgiveness or spiritual immaturity.

A healthy boundary begins with deciding what you are willing to participate in and how you will respond if harmful behavior continues. You cannot control another person's conduct or dictate how they feel about your decisions. Their disappointment does not automatically mean your boundary is unreasonable.

Depending on the circumstances, you may need to limit communication, change the conditions of contact, or step away from the relationship. Your response should be proportionate to the situation. An ordinary disagreement between friends requires a different approach than sustained emotional abuse, threats, or coercive control.

Where abuse is involved, safety deserves particular attention. Attempts to establish boundaries or leave an abusive relationship can sometimes increase danger, making professional guidance and safety planning especially important. A qualified counselor or domestic violence advocate can help someone assess the circumstances and consider appropriate next steps.

In less dangerous circumstances, reconciliation may be possible, though it should rest on evidence of meaningful change. John the Baptist told the crowds, “Bring forth therefore fruits worthy of repentance” (Luke 3:8 KJV). Repentance becomes evident in a person's conduct over time.

Has the person acknowledged the harm without minimizing it? Have their efforts to change been consistent? Do they respect your boundaries, even when those boundaries disappoint them?

A sincere apology can open the door to a healthier chapter, but trust usually takes much longer to rebuild. Sometimes, even after genuine remorse, a relationship cannot safely return to what it once was. Forgiveness remains possible in those circumstances, even without restoring the person to their former place in your life.

“If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him” (James 1:5 KJV).

When you are unsure how to proceed, lean on this promise: “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him” (James 1:5 KJV).

Ask God to reveal patterns you may have overlooked and to examine your own attitudes as well. Where repentance is yours to offer, offer it. Seek His help to forgive, and seek wise counsel when the path forward is unclear. Discernment may lead to an honest conversation, a season of separation, professional counseling, or a careful attempt to rebuild the relationship with appropriate safeguards in place. In some cases, you may recognize that remaining close would expose you to continued harm.

Peace is worth pursuing. So is the wisdom to recognize when you have done all that lies within your power.

Editor's note: Readers experiencing domestic abuse, threats, or coercive control can seek confidential support through the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233), by texting START to 88788, or at thehotline.org. Anyone in immediate danger should contact emergency services when it is safe to do so.