Black & White: How uncomfortable conversations with my White friends have been a blessing
Article By Tisha Martin // EEW Magazine Online // Race Relations
Get inspired to be the truest version of yourself, take pride in your blackness and be unapologetically woke.
I went to a predominantly White High School, lived in a predominantly White neighborhood, and for years worked at a predominantly White publishing company. I grew comfortable with being the only Black girl in the room but still having pretty solid relationships with White people.
We would go out to lunch, go shopping together, swap funny stories, meet each other’s friends and family members, and choose to hang out on lazy days. Though I was the only one with Black folks in my family and friend circle, I managed to navigate both worlds seamlessly and felt a sense of pride about that.
But this year, so much has happened in America, and I have had some seriously uncomfortable conversations with non-melanated close friends, colleagues and acquaintances. That ease I once knew is gone. Truthfully, tensions have risen to the surface, ideological differences have manifested, and politics have been a big issue.
Yet, these difficult moments have been a blessing in a few ways.
#1 I am more honest.
When I was younger, I tried to fit in and conform to the dominant culture at school so I wouldn’t get picked on. I changed the way I talked, dressed and styled my hair as not to stick out like a sore thumb. Those negative habits carried over into adulthood. But a few years ago, I made some progress. I stopped pretending to be someone I wasn’t. I went natural, asserted myself more, and I quit trying to blend.
This year, however, I the deaths of George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, Ahmaud Arbery, Elijah McClain, and others further transformed me. Furthermore, the incendiary rhetoric from President Donald Trump and his supporters angered me and made me want to be even more honest about who I am, how I feel, and what I believe is important. I no longer want fraudulent relationships built on false pretenses.
#2 I have learned who my real friends are.
There is no way to make conversations about race, politics and social justice easy. My White friends and I have some fundamental differences of opinion in certain areas. Those who are truly my friends and want to understand me and the Black experience in America have listened, tried to understand, and have risen to the occasion to correct wrong attitudes, behaviors and ideas.
Unfortunately, there are some I have considered longtime friends who are no longer in my life. They wanted only to argue and delegitimize my feelings and experiences to make themselves feel better. Though I was hurt, I am grateful that I have learned who my real friends are. Releasing dead weight is more amazing than I thought it could ever be.
#3 I am woke.
I’ll admit it. I had gotten a little bit too comfortable with my own success and upper middleclass lifestyle. I had enough White people in my circle that seemed to like and accept me well enough, so I put on blinders and willfully ignored blatant racism. I’d find ways to excuse racist microaggresions (and some macroaggressions) as not to disrupt my comfort and lose my position. But when everything hit the fan, feelings and emotions I’d suppressed for years bubbled over, and the activist I had denied was given new life and a voice. I have protested, contacted politicians demanding justice and spoken up about the evils of racism. Has it disrupted my comfort? Yes it has, but being woke beats being fake any day.
There is no denying that we all have received a big wakeup call this year. We see that racism is very much alive and well in America. And unless we choose to be woke, have uncomfortable conversations, and take action toward a more equitable future for all, we’re doomed to remain stagnant.
I am more resolute these days. I am determined to do my part, and I am grateful for every uncomfortable conversation, tense exchange, lost relationship and newfound friendship during this tumultuous period in history.
