When someone has wounded you deeply, releasing them can feel like self-care. Scripture points to a deeper reason, rooted in the mercy God has already shown you.
By EEW Magazine Online Editors
A familiar saying likens unforgiveness to drinking poison. Jesus grounded forgiveness in the mercy His followers had already received. (Alexander Bulanov/Getty Images)
Somewhere along the way, one sentence became the church's go-to counsel for the wounded. It shows up on Instagram graphics, in Sunday sermons and in a well-meaning friend's encouragement: "Holding on to unforgiveness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die." Its companion line is just as familiar: "Forgiveness is for you."
Let it go, the reasoning goes, since bitterness will eat you alive while the person who hurt you goes on with their life. Parts of that advice are true. But is it what Jesus taught?
Early versions of the poison analogy warned against resentment. The saying has been attributed to Nelson Mandela and others, but Quote Investigator found no definitive author. The earliest strong match it identified appears in Bert Ghezzi's 1980 book "The Angry Christian."
The health claims behind the saying have some support. Johns Hopkins Medicine reports that forgiveness has been associated with better sleep, lower blood pressure and reduced anxiety, depression and stress.
The apostle Paul acknowledged the danger of bitterness when he told the Ephesians to put away "all bitterness, and wrath, and anger." In the same passage, he gave them the reason to forgive: "even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you" (Ephesians 4:31-32).
Jesus addressed forgiveness directly in Matthew 18. First, He instructed His disciples how to confront wrongdoing, beginning privately and involving witnesses and the church when necessary (Matthew 18:15-17). His teaching joined mercy with accountability.
Peter then asked how often he must forgive a brother who sinned against him, offering seven times as a generous limit. Jesus answered, "I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven" (Matthew 18:22). Then He told a parable.
A king calls his servants to account. One owes ten thousand talents, an impossible sum. The servant begs for patience, promising to repay everything. Moved with compassion, the king releases him and forgives the debt.
The Greek word Matthew uses for forgiveness, aphiēmi, includes the meanings of letting go, releasing and canceling a debt. In the parable, the king absorbs an enormous loss so the servant can go free.
Yet that same servant finds a fellow servant who owes him a hundred pence, grabs him by the throat and has him imprisoned. When the king learns what happened, he asks, "Shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had pity on thee?" (Matthew 18:33).
Forgiven a debt of ten thousand talents, the servant refused to release a hundred pence. (Koto Feja/Getty Images)
The king says nothing about the unforgiving servant's peace of mind, sleep or blood pressure. His concern is the mercy the servant received and refused to extend. The king delivers him to the tormentors, and Jesus concludes with a solemn warning about forgiving others from the heart (Matthew 18:35).
The servant owed mercy because he had received mercy. The Lord's Prayer teaches the same principle: "forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors" (Matthew 6:12).
In the Kingdom of God, forgiveness flows from the Father through those who have experienced His grace.
Jesus demonstrated that mercy at Calvary. While hanging on the cross, He prayed, "Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do" (Luke 23:34). He interceded for the very people responsible for His suffering.
On the cross, Jesus prayed for the very people responsible for His suffering. (Illustration by EEW Magazine Online)
When we make personal relief the primary reason to forgive, we risk reducing a sacred obligation to a self-help technique. Jesus commands us to love our enemies, pray for those who persecute us and extend the mercy we have received.
Biblical forgiveness is obedience. You choose it the moment you decide to release the debt, and Jesus asks that you do it "from your hearts," sincerely and without pretense. Healing may take longer, and the memory may resurface long after the choice is made. You can still feel the sting of resentment after you have forgiven, and the feeling does not cancel your obedience.
You can bring that pain to God as often as it returns. The choice itself belongs to today.
Forgiveness also leaves room for accountability. You can forgive someone and still keep your distance when their behavior remains harmful. You can forgive a church leader and still report what he did. Restoring trust takes more than forgiveness. It requires changed behavior, and in some cases reconciliation may never be possible.
Jesus' instructions in Matthew 18 make clear that wrongdoing can be confronted even as mercy is extended. Forgiving someone does not require you to surrender your safety or abandon legitimate avenues of justice.
Paul told believers, "avenge not yourselves," since vengeance belongs to the Lord (Romans 12:19). When you forgive, you release the desire to get even and entrust judgment to God.
Forgiveness may bring you better sleep and a healthier heart. Those blessings are welcome fruit. The root is the mercy you received through Christ.
The servant in Jesus' parable walked away forgiven of ten thousand talents and seized another man by the throat over a hundred pence. The king's question is now yours to answer: "Shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had pity on thee?"
