Check on your strong friends: 5 important facts about women who seem to have it all together

mental health

Jan 31

By Tammy Washington // Mental Health // EEW Magazine Online

We collectively gasped when we learned that 30-year-old former Miss USA, attorney, and Extra TV correspondent, Cheslie Kryst, jumped off a building in New York City a little more than a year ago, ending her seemingly charmed life.

Such tragedies underscore the importance of focusing on mental health in the Black community—especially among those who are considered “strong”— and realizing that it is not always easy to tell when someone is struggling.

Some people do such a good job holding in their emotions that everyone looks to them as the calm, consistent, and trusted confidant. Therefore, their emotional wellness is often overlooked by those closest to them.

“The strong friend is really a myth,” Daria Foster, a licensed graduate professional counselor, told EEW Magazine Online.

“When someone is everybody’s go-to person, those around them forget that they are carrying their own stuff too. They are so compassionate and empathetic toward others but fail to give themselves the same grace,” explained Foster.

Though the strong friend may not show it, beneath the surface, they are dealing with complex emotions, low self-esteem, and overwhelming sadness. “They are usually depleted of the strength that they have been willingly giving to others nonstop,” added Foster.

If you have a seemingly strong friend and truly care about their well-being, here are 5 things to know about them that will help you check in on them and make sure they are doing OK.

Fact #1 They hide pain well. Some of the most confident, empowered women appear to have it all together. Inwardly, however, they are hurting. “They simply hide the pain well,” said Foster. “Those who appear to be the strongest and most independent are concealing painful struggles and covering up subtle cracks that eventually shatter them.” Foster suggests asking your strong friend how she’s doing and making space to really listen by asking her to elaborate. One of the best questions to ask is, “How can I pray for you today?”

Fact #2 They carry a heavy load. We spend so much time admiring go-getters, boss chicks, and female leaders breaking glass ceilings. We cannot see that they are breaking apart in the process. “Celebration of her achievements is good and important,” said Foster. “However, we must not forget that heavy is the head that wears the crown.” The weight of responsibility will place a strain on her over time. So, encourage your strong friend to rest and make time for herself. Her well-being matters.

Fact #3 They take care of everyone but them. “Nine times out of ten, women perceived as strong put others’ needs above their own,” said Foster. “Their selflessness is considered one of their best qualities, but it can also have the worst impact on them because self-care usually goes on the backburner.” Foster advised, “Remind your strong friend that she is not superwoman, and she needs to give herself some TLC, make herself a priority, and unload some of those burdens she has been carrying.” Such reminders are powerful and important.

#4 They silently battle mental health issues. Strong women are experts at putting on a façade that communicates composure under pressure and happiness. “They look polished, poised, and powerful while battling mental health issues like anxiety, depression, and more complicated personal struggles,” said Foster, who suggests being “gentle with your strong friend.” Tell her that it’s OK not to be OK, and there is no shame in asking for help when she’s struggling. Make your relationship a safe space for your strong friend to take off her mask with no judgment from you. Demonstrate your authenticity, loyalty, and trustworthiness with her secrets.

Fact #5 They need reassurance. “Women that are perceived as strong are usually perceived as self-assured too,” said Foster. “But many of them have low self-esteem and don’t see the wonderful qualities others see in them. They think just the opposite.” Strong women also exude confidence and seem to always have the answers, but no one has all the answers. “Show your friend some grace and compassion,” said Foster. “She needs pep talks, encouragement, and kindness just like the next person. It would shock you to know that some people with the toughest exterior are the most sensitive and fragile inside.”

Though it is impossible to heal someone else’s trauma, resolve others’ emotional issues, or force them to get help when they need it, you can lend better support to a strong friend when they are weak.

There is a beautiful passage in Galatians 6:2 KJV that says, “Bear ye one another's burdens.” Let this verse be your guide as you work to be a better support to your strong friend.